Another try

Writing in a café. After trying for ages at home. Voices swirling around me. Instant overload. How can I listen to my own voice in here? Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to just let it flow, without listening. At least the critic’s voice is hardly heard either…

Well, then, finally tackling the spiritual reveal blog post today. But – how to start? 

With the detailed story (boring…)? The importance for my growth, my healing, my wholeness (can only be understood with the whole story, I guess…)? My relief, that it all makes sense now?

I go with the relief.

Even though it didn’t hold any value in my family, I always felt a spiritual need. While my father claimed to be a rational atheist and my mother’s attitude was not tangible at all, I went to church as an 8-year-old girl. Prayed in bed. Tried to cope with the grief of losing my little cousin, struck by a truck, right before his mother’s eyes. And – the suicide of his mother, my mother’s sister, my dear aunt, soon after. All on my own. Like everyone was on his own in my family. (Later it turned out that my mother chose alcohol to be her savior.) 

Seems to be going pretty well… And just like that, cappuccino and Baumkuchen! So, let it flow…

Next important milestone: 17 years as a Jehovah’s Witness, fully involved, just my thing! Everything neatly arranged, no wishy-washy stuff. Surrounded by people deeply committed to their faith and integrity. Trusting in God felt like flying.

A good message, love as the central theme; a huge, worldwide family – and the New World to come! I loved everything about it, I truly lived it. 

Then, at some point, the enthusiasm faded. 10 years as a single mom, the longing for a partner. Always the same answers, while I love the questions so much more. And this forced ‘being different’, the separation. Not to forget about the desire to please (God), just as I’ve always wanted to please my dad: this all-too-familiar feeling of never being good enough. 

Was this the life I wanted to live?

It smoldered, the longing could no longer be suppressed. I got tangled in two unhappy ‘loves’, first one in spirit, next in the flesh (if you know what I mean – if you know what that meant).

Leaving. A letter. „I don’t want to be a Jehovah’s Witness anymore“. That easy?!

Not quite, because I wasn’t alone, my teenage children were horrified: Everything I had lived for them with full conviction and wholehearted effort should suddenly be meaningless? I couldn’t explain it to them. But I’m not someone who pretends. They stayed. Life got complicated.

Others cheered: „You did it, strong!“, „Glad you’re out!“, „Welcome back!“ Indeed – I was grateful. And – I was confused. I hadn’t been trapped anywhere, it hadn’t been a tricky escape. Joining and leaving were decisions that aligned with my development. I’m not a heroine – nor did I return as a penitent sinner; I’m just someone capable of change. (Slight alienation)

Immediately setting out to find a partner, online. I was so ready – at least thought so. I wasn’t looking for marriage, I was yearning for a deep connection; with space for freedom and growth. What could go wrong?

The woman at the table next to me tells her companion about her breast cancer experience. She’s the same age as me. The companion asks if she’s living more consciously now. ‘Yes, definitely,’ she replies with consideration.

Irony of fate, or history repeating: Not even two years later, I was married to a man I barely knew – and pregnant with a late baby. Exactly what ‘had happened’ to me twenty years ago. (Oh, this burning desire for a happy ending…)

This time, married to a man whose religion was science, more rigid than any religious fanatic I’ve dealt with before. He wanted me to renounce my past. Wanted to prove me wrong. Brainwash at the Natural History Museum… Um, okay, I’m NOT a Jehovah’s Witness anymore for good reasons, but it remains an important part of my life for others. (Unfortunately not able to claim that back then, although longing for it to be recognized.)

Little appreciation, little inner connection, lots of narrowness. 

Though we triggered each other’s wounds all the time, he was a kind man with a good heart somehow. That (and the baby) made it hard to leave. The worst time of my life began. I found myself in a deep, dark hole. Game over. Would I ever get out of this mess? Would I ever get out of any mess?!

Oops, I’m drifting off. Back on (spiritual) track…

For years, I struggled to truly break free. I kind of got emotionally stuck in my past. 

There was shame: I fell for a delusion, wasted so many years of my life in preaching service while others built careers. There was guilt: Moving forward (in any spiritual direction) felt like betraying my kids. Talking about this to others would have made me hear the unspoken: ‚Serves you right, you brought this upon yourself.‘ So I didn’t.

And to be true to myself, I missed the many connections, the meaning, the flying.

So I was left with emptiness. 

And I became the most angry person in the world.

But then, again, I chose me. I learned to turn my anger into power: started a coaching training, separated from my husband, made the long-awaited exit from the civil servant and teaching life. And as I started to find myself again, I opened up to a new kind of spirituality.

This is not about promoting any specific direction or practice to others. However, I’m convinced that I wouldn’t have become ‚whole‘ without this spiritual orientation. It offers me a more playful, less serious approach to life. The freedom it gives me feels so grounded and yet deeply connected to the divine.

No rules, no guilt, no shame – just love. And connection. Flying high again. 

I love everything about it, I truly live it. A worldwide family, united in believing in change for the better; a new world – created by people willing to take responsibility, break old patterns, and heal from past traumas. Feeling part of the whole, having found my place.

So, that’s why I was so eager to write this blog post, even though my missionary zeal has faded (has it?). Even though I’m almost afraid to come up with the next hot shit, after already failing with the last one. 

I own my truth.

Phew, it’s getting busy in here. And, yeah, I finally made it! So let’s head home.